by Anonymous (Austin, Texas)
I have been doing nothing but thinking since we last texted. I know I always have too much to say. I’m sorry for that.
Apparently you don’t have the market cornered on being f*cked up…and while I’ve said much of this before, I need to know for my own well being that I’ve been very clear.
There are so many reasons I feel about you as I do.
I love the way your mind works. I love that you could spend hours talking about real subjects, and that you had solid opinions on things.
I loved watching you work through a problem to come up with a solution. I love that you are smarter than me. I love your honesty.
For all the struggles you and I have had over the years, you have been fairly honest with me, even though you knew much of it would hurt my feelings.
I love your integrity, and your loyalty. I know that even to this day, if I called you and said I needed you, you’d be there.
I love the way you are always looking out for the people closest to you…like wanting to find me a new job, or helping a friend being abused in a relationship, or going to the hospital with a friend whose having a baby even though that’s the last place you’d want to be.
I loved the way I got the real you. No matter the walls you’ve had up with regard to us, and my kids, and any other mental roadblocks you had, you were always very open with me. Up to a certain point, I knew more about you and told you more about myself than my own ex husband.
Hell…I even loved the way you thought of yourself as broken. There was an insight you had into yourself that only comes with intelligence and self reflection. You have this ability, and most people don’t. In fact, I believe this is why you’re struggling so much right now.
You know what you want to change, and probably understand how it is you got here. You even know what you have to do to change it.
The struggle is that knowing how to fix it and actually fixing it are two very different things.
I love the way you always looked at me. Not sexually, though that was always there too…but you looked at me like you saw me. Not the person everyone thinks I am (which is usually WAY off), but who I REALLY am. And though you don’t talk about it much, you have that ability in general.
You read people well, and it’s something we’ve always had in common. But the one attribute that really gets me into trouble is the feeling of utter safety and security I feel when I’m with you. All you have to do is put your arms around me, and there is a feeling of peace that comes over me that I have never known anywhere else.
There are so many more things I could list, but I’m sure you’re already sick of reading and I have more to go.
Some of that I’ve told you over the years. Maybe all of it at some point, I don’t know. But I tell you now because I think you need to be reminded of who you are, which is by far the best, smartest, kindest person I know. You have so much to offer someone, and it kills me to see you questioning that.
But though it’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with this, If I’m being 100% honest with myself, we haven’t been this close in years. I can tell you the exact moment it changed.
It was the night I told you I thought She was bad for you. You’d always sworn we would be able to have those kinds of conversations because we both valued the honesty we had. But you didn’t want to hear it. I was just jealous. From that moment on, you began pushing me away. While you might have felt betrayed I wasn’t supporting your decision, I felt betrayed that my opinion was so easily dismissed, and heartbroken that our friendship changed overnight because of it.
Our friendship rapidly devolved to basic “how are things going?” text exchanges every couple of weeks. Not long after, we were going months at a time without talking. And though I have done my best to stay out of it since then, our friendship has never recovered. Whether this upsets you or not, I believe more than anything that I was completely right.
While I am not sorry I spoke up, I am very sorry about the result and that I didn’t fight harder to fix it.
I do not pretend to know or understand the inner workings of your relationship with her. What I do know is the result it’s had on you, which is not even remotely positive. You question your value and worth.
Despite logically knowing she isn’t capable of giving you what you want, you question why you aren’t good enough for her. And I’m sure that just when you think you’re starting to get over it, she needs your help or a shoulder to cry on, or figures out some other way to draw you back in.
I’m guessing at somewhat regular intervals you feel used because she knows how you feel, and it doesn’t change anything. Just about anything you have felt, I have probably felt about me and you at some point. You’ve told me more than once she’s not a factor anymore, but I know what the residual effects are like.
I wish I could make you see you deserve so much better than that. You deserve to feel loved and respected. You deserve to be the most important person in someone’s life. You are a hell of a catch, and deserve to be recognized as such. You deserve the world. I hate seeing you so unhappy. And I REALLY hate that I can’t do anything to change it for you.
I know you’re searching for answers. Unfortunately, I don’t have any. I wish I did.
I don’t know what the future holds for either of us. I don’t know what your definition of love is, and I don’t know what you feel is missing with me, or what you think is wrong with you that has you so stuck.
What I do know is that this experience this time around has changed me.
I have realized why I miss you more than words could ever describe. I miss what we had, which extended way beyond us being a couple. What I miss more than anything Is the amazing friendship. I miss being involved in each other’s lives. I miss knowing what’s going on with you. I miss being able to talk to each other about problems in our lives. I miss being a respite for each other in a world where other people just don’t get us most of the time.
There was a time I didn’t think anything or anyone could have gotten in the way of that, and I’m sad that it did. I just miss us. (and not gonna lie, I do miss the sex too…I’m only human ).
I don’t think either one of us has wanted to let go of this. So we’ve kept in touch…barely…and we just pop in and out of each other’s lives, and then go away again. But each time we do this, it hurts a little more because I’ve realize we’ve slipped even further apart than the last time we saw each other.
It’s this massive void between us that exists now that makes it so difficult to be around you. You are the person I care most about in this world, and I hate feeling so far apart from you.
I want my friend back.
I worry that too much time has passed, and this isn’t fixable. I worry that in all the talk of whether we could/should be together or not, we’re missing what was important about us in the first place. Worst of all, I worry that while this relationship is so important to me, I’m not as important to you, and that you don’t really think anything has been wrong all this time. But I think you miss me too.
I don’t think either of us knows what that should mean. As much as you are struggling with it, I am too.
I don’t know if we are supposed to end up together. I don’t know what the right thing to do here is. I’ve asked myself over and over and over again why I keep coming back when I just get hurt every time. My only answer I’ve been able to come up with is this: that friendship was better than any “relationship” I ever had.
I am not saying this to pressure you. But I fear that I’m about to not hear from you again for at least 6 months, so I need to say this once and for all.
If you think I’m crazy I’m just going to have to live with that. If/when you’re ready, I am open to any option that puts me in your life (and you in mine) in a real way.
But if you decide all you can handle is to touch base and see each other every few months, I don’t think I can do that anymore. It hurts way too much.
I love you.