I am sorry. I am sorry that I failed to serve, and love, and encounter you when the moment was there for us. To seize the day.
To act when the moment was there for you, for me, for us to talk and be together.
I am sorry that I did not stay and talk with you in the kitchenette that night in the ministry tower, the night before prison ministry. I am sorry that I did not go with you to the SOS conference held upstairs in the museum. You asked me to go but I didn’t.
In hindsight I understand these things, but in the moment I did not understand them.
I did not understand what you were asking or what was happening. Neither time. Please believe that I did not see these opportunities, but had I been aware of them and understood, I would have acted.
You see, I have mild autism and as a result I do not always pick up on these sorts of things until I think about it deeply afterwards.
I so wish that I had spent those times with you.
Nothing could have made me happier or more content. To be in your company and to talk and spend time there with you. It leaves sad memories, but if I had the choice to relive my life with better knowledge, or with what I know now, or even just to be certain to take those opportunities to the full in those moments, I would.
I am not content with the choices I made that lead us to where we are now, I would be other than I am if I had the choice.
I do not embrace the nature of my past path and footsteps. I do not believe that we are our actions or that our actions create us. Our results in our lives are not the true definition or representation of who and what we are, or who we truly are deep down, or what we are meant to be.
Christ’s grace shows us this.
I would not choose my own past actions again, the results have been too desolate.
I would choose to relive it all again from the beginning and I would take those opportunities and I would relive my life for your sake, and for mine. I would do it better, and differently, and in some ways – possibly many ways – I would do it the same.
If you were willing, hopefully, it would be for our sake. It would be this way because instead of being a choice, or desire, or endeavor to try again just for one or just for the other, we both might have desired the unseen ending of another story and been happy about it together in a different life and destiny.
Even if I am wrong and we are constituted of our pasts and actions, then I would deny and reject my own present and past self and I would choose to be someone and something else for your sake and for the sake of the universe in which we are.
There is nothing that has made me happier than to hear your voice, either in pen or in air.
I am sorry.
There were so many things I could do better. I am sorry for not being better in all the ways that I could have been better, and for not doing everything better which I could have done better.
Please though, do know that in all this I was following rules: rules which are set out for me as my rules of engagement. These rules are those by which I act and follow all my own honor and integrity – and that from God.
All in all, I desire to be respectful and to only act by what I consider to be the “front door.” Since the meek are blessed, I also seek to be so.
I should have been more flexible to do what you wanted me to do and to consider alternative ways of relating. I am sorry for that, too. But the answer to all of this is that I love you, truly truly – and I always have, and I always will. And, my love is true and pure.
I still have sunlight in my bones for you.
I am sorry for my word of the past which were not good or kind or true. My unkind words were not true.