Love Letters to Him

by Nu (Australia)

Omg wtf have I done! I hate myself so much right now.

I don’t want this text message to end is that selfish of me? I know it has to.

I’m the biggest idiot ever for losing a man like you, my soulmate, even if you don’t want to believe that. I royally f**ked up this time. Giving into drugs and for losing you.

I wish all the happiness that the world can give you.

I hope one day you find that someone special that you can see spending the rest of your life with. I don’t want to say goodbye!!

I can’t it hurts so much I’ve messed everything up!! I’m not touching drugs again. I started to get paranoid. I thought I heard you skateboarding. Maybe it was just wishful thinking.

I still don’t want to say goodbye if I do than I know it’s final and I don’t want this to be over. I know my heart will always belong to you.

Tell me it’s not over please? If you say it is then I will go away.

Why couldn’t I just give you the space?

I already know the answer it’s because I didn’t think you’d want me. That you’d realise that you are better off without me. Am I being selfish there?

On the other hand I gave you the space and we couldn’t stay away from each other.

In the future please don’t try and make plans with me for you to only turn around and say you want space and we agreed on that. I understand you wanting to reconnect with your daughter and friends, but don’t I hold a bit of value in your life to make a little bit of time for me?

I get so bloody excited when we make plans together, but in the end I am left confused, disappointed and frustrated that you can’t see how much that hurts me.

I know we have had a rocky relationship because drugs were involved when we first met and when I thought I had lost you that one night that you went missing. I thought you were hurt and you couldn’t ask for help because you left your phone at the scene. I was distraught and I even drove to your parents house to see if they had heard from you.

I won’t ever forget the look on your dad’s face. I could tell he was so sad and worried about his baby boy. At that moment I actually realised I put my parents through the same thing.

The next day I received a phone call from your dad saying you were OK. The tears of joy started streaming down my face.

I accused you of things and you said some really hurtful things to me. I even questioned my own sanity, but you may be right I might have something there and I am going to get the help that I need especially being so emotional. I was being selfish there.

I hate myself more than ever. I don’t like this feeling of emptiness.

Before you came into my life I couldn’t imagine being with a guy.

The walls that I had up close to 34 years came tumbling down in under 5 months. For the first time I wanted something and someone to share my life with.

I know everyone says this in a relationship that they are the one. I can’t explain it, but I know we were meant to find each other and heal together.

Now me being me I have pushed you so far away that there is no coming back. Well that’s what I think, but in the past I have been wrong. Maybe you do feel this connection that’s why we can’t let go of each other!

I love you so much Lach words wouldn’t be enough to describe and tell you. I would without a hesitation take a bullet for you.

I want you to be happy even if your happiness isn’t with me, but I know your happiness with me. This is the part that hurts the most coming to the end or is it the beginning of new and exciting things I don’t know?

All I know is I am so head over heels in love with you and I can’t ever get my heart back. My heart will always belong to you. If we are meant to be which I do believe we will find each other when you are ready for me, but don’t wait too long.

If I am pregnant I will let you know. I kinda wish that I am because I would make a great mum and I want to be a mum even if I am a single mum or having you beside me.

I won’t say goodbye Lachlan because I don’t want what we have to end, but two people have to fight for each other not just one. I know you have a lot on your plate at the moment, but so do I, but I am still fighting but silently, because I don’t want to hurt you and make you say things like I am smothering you.

How can I be if you only respond to me every 24hrs. Yes that’s where the text messages start because I don’t know what you want from me!

I have my flaws and you have your flaws and I love every flaw of yours because it made you the man I fell so hard for and in a short time, which never happens.

I will miss your smile, when you smile it lights up my world. Your beautiful eyes the way they change colours depending on your moods. You saying it will be OK. I am here with you. Your laughter, your tears, your personality and how you made me feel.

You made me want to be better and I changed my views on a lot of things.

I have never listened to someone so much in my life. Your green thumb because we know I am a plant killer. I will miss your lame jokes even though mine aren’t any better.  Most of all I will miss you hugs and kisses and your smell.

I also want to say the biggest thank you helping me.

When a person bends over backwards to help a person who they barely know. It shows what kind of a person they are.

You have value and integrity. Don’t ever doubt yourself Lach you are one of a kind. I will miss you so so much.

I have to be patient because I know you will be back. I’ll love you forever Lach no matter what happens in the future just remember that. I LOVE YOU LACHLAN.


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