Love Letters to Him

by Minerva

To my black knight,

As I walk down memory lane, regardless how painful it is to recall what I never thought would be one of the most tragic yet ironically the most memorable experience of my 30 years of existence, it was real.

This is not the typical and the mundane type of love story. But I can say, this by far is the most realistic love story I ever had in my life. I never saw it coming. You came without a warning. Love just happened. And despite it all, I fell for you just for who you are, no bullshits.

Many people would somehow expect that, as I would have felt the same way, being my adventurous self tried dating and giving it a try to meet someone online. I was fully aware, that you were just clearly for fun.

Knowing how to mend my broken heart, I thought you were able to help me fill that emptiness. I knew in the back of my head that it was not love at first sight nor was there an initial attraction. I somehow just knew that you were hurting too. Like I once shared to you, “Misery loves company.”

Without any hesitation, as spontaneous and adventurous souls that we both are, we went on our first adventure together.

I told myself what harm can one adventure with a complete stranger do to me after all the sh*t I have been through in my thirty years of existence. So we went on with our little adventure to one of my favorite paradise spots. I packed few of my stuff, just the ones I needed. For the first time I never prepared and thought of it carefully. I just went with this trip. And who would know that was the beginning of our love story or as I would have thought, it was our story.

So I jumped into your old car, with my small travel bag. And together, we went off to our little adventure.

It was a three hours drive, and because of the pandemic we almost didn’t make it. Being witty and resourceful, we somehow managed to get pass by the checkpoint. Being with you, talking and getting to know your outer self was nothing the extraordinary. There was never a pull or a certain force that caught my attention with the entire trip.

As with my typical first encounter with my previous lover, I knew I would be with him. But with you, I expected it was just temporary. That I will never fall for you.

We arrived in our bnb. And I was glad you booked a nice one. At least you have good taste, I thought to myself.

You asked me what I wanted to do. I said I was hungry. So we went out to buy food.

It rained so hard we couldn’t see the road. Almost all restaurants and coffeeshops were closed. And we managed to find a restaurant. You got scared when you let me drive your car cause we almost had an accident. Because of bad weather, we decided to just eat and stay in the bnb.

It was our first night together. I was pretty scared but confident that I could handle myself. We ate, drank and played. And I was glad that you were respectful enough with my boundaries. Although I was tempted to kiss you. I knew it was not the right time.

The night was young, so I asked you to go to the beach with me.

And, little did we know that would be the most enchanting time of our story. Well, one of the memorable ones.

We walked under the stars going to the beachfront. With only our flashlight from our phones, it was so dark that we were scared to step on something. We passed by the grassland going to the shore. They were full of cow manure. You held my hand as we got close the shore. With the sand on our feet, it was what I would describe amazing.

As playful as we were, we started to run and bathe. You carried me and tossed me on the sea. Huge waves rushed towards us like water as cold as ice who couldn’t wait to touch our bodies. It was so dark that we could only see sky above us and the small light from our phones. We played for awhile until my leg hurt. So we slowly headed back. We almost got lost on our way back as we couldn’t catch our breaths from laughing and fooling around.

The funniest moment I could recall was when you showered outside the water pump even though it was cold as you waited for me to take a shower. I found it cute. The night passed and it was dawn. I felt guilty looking at you sleeping on the couch so I invited you to sleep beside me.

Morning greeted us with another adventure. We went to the surfing spot and observed the surfers crashing into the waves and embraced that moment of being there. You saw my pain. You saw my struggling heart. And I know that you knew I was still brokenhearted. And even if I look back now with that small adventure, I know deep in my heart, it was all worth it.

Heading home was not hard. I knew then our trip was soon going to end. And I would and might not see you anymore. I expected there was nothing there. No spark, nothing. I knew I just need company. I knew I was lonely.  And you were the one who was there.

I let you to be the one to be there for me.

No, it was not the drugs. It was never the drugs and the drinking. It was the idea of you as my partner and the future with you. It got me scared. Every time I would put myself in the equation, I knew you would never make me completely happy. I knew and know that I have no future with you. And I’m sorry.

I thought that was the end and it will end there. But we continued seeing each other.

The stolen nights we shared, I would wake up early at dawn looking at the small ray of light across your room, that was the time I realized you had become a different person. I knew just by the way I looked at you at that moment, that you were already a part of my life. And as I kissed you on your face, I called your name and woke you up.

Thinking about it right now I somehow find it sweet you bringing me home even it was 4AM in the morning. I know my friends always questions me about what I saw in you, but they do not have the slightest idea the meaning you brought into my life—as shitty and weird as it may sound you brought meaning to my life.

The random and crazy nights were we just drove around the city, singing along with all our favorite songs, and going to random fast food chains pigging out. Nothing can beat that. You made me smile just with my favorite fries and sundae. It was the best.

Slowly, I started to wander. I began to think of you and the what ifs.

I tried to move on and forget you, you know because I knew deep down my heart, what we shared was not going to be forever. That this was going to end. That you are not good enough for me. That I cannot waste my pretty time. That I need to straighten out my priorities. That you never and will never deserve the love that I have to give. That falling for you would be a mistake.

But what they say is true. You can never teach your heart who and not to love. Love comes unexpectedly, like waves crashing towards you, rushing to catch you. And in your own twisted way, you caught my heart. You are the perfect epitome of my knight in shining armor.

Ordinary days became special when you are with me. When I looked back at our small adventure, it slowly unfolded and little by little it grew within us. It was unforgettable. It was the turning point of our love story or at least our story.

If I would remember all the memories we shared, our late night wine sessions, or food trips and the times you would just stay with me in silence, I knew one day it will end. I have accepted it. You made me vulnerable.

The feelings organically developed and grew into something real. For me, it was real. And I was fully aware that you may not somehow feel the same way, but I knew that you cared. And what really hurts me but somehow relieved me, was the thought that we can never be more than friends, that you only see me as a friend and nothing more.

Months passed as my feelings grew stronger.

There were times I would long for you. A lot of times I think of you. And even though I know we don’t feel the same way, I accepted the friendship that you offered me.

Your presence was enough. But I know that too will end soon. And maybe your purpose in my life is over.

I would sometimes think that you have already overstayed, that you have served your purpose. I would even tell you that were just a rebound. You would even say, “I’m okay that I am your rebound.”

At the end of the day, I know what I felt for you was real. Regardless of how you felt, or how you would accuse me all the time of lying. I know I was true to myself. I was true to you. And I’m sorry for not being totally honest with you. I was too ashamed of my past and of my current situation.

I couldn’t bare the thought of my problems. That I was hoping you would have stayed a little longer until I solve my financial dilemma. But your leaving was for the best, as they would say. Maybe we were not meant for each other. That we already served each other’s purpose in our lives.

Wherever you are now, I truly hope that you are happy, genuinely happy. I hope someone is making you happy. That’s what matters to me. And before I forget, I want to thank you.

Thank you for the times I doubted that I would never get myself back again. Thank you for proving to me that love is real. Thank you for letting me see the little things in life that I never thought would be so meaningful. Thank you for helping realize what I want in a partner. Thank you for giving me another perspective in life. Thank you for being there at my worst. And thank you letting me being me.

Thank you even if you didn’t stay. Thank you for not loving me the same way. Thank you for not seeing me the way I see you. Thank you for not feeling the I way I felt for you. Thank you for letting me go now because I know for damn sure, someone out there is waiting for me.

And I know I am enough.


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