A Love Letter to ‘D’

Secret Love Letters

By ‘N’ (USA)

There was once a time when I thought that our paths in life represented waves of some type: we started out at opposite ends but started gradually approaching each other before eventually converging at a single point for a very brief and ephemeral instant in time before heading in opposite directions again, spiraling farther and farther away from each other until we ended up on completely opposite ends again.

Of course I was a much better writer back then, so I probably articulated this concept far more clearly and likely phrased it quite eloquently and it must’ve been very beautiful and poetic. But now I’m starting to think this is reality.

I used to believe in my heart of hearts that despite my little wave theory, I would see you again—was it blind, desperate hope?—but now you’re going far, far away, and there’s a very tangible chance that I might never see you again.

Don’t get me wrong—I am so incredibly happy for you!

You have been dealt some bad cards in life and you were not in a good place when we knew each other. It seems like you’re in a far better place now though, and much happier too, and it makes me happy beyond belief that you chose to defy all odds and hunkered down to focus on creating and building an entirely new life for yourself.

I always knew there was something special about you, especially with how keen and attentive to others you were and how quickly you could pick up new concepts, and now that you’re off to train to become a lawyer in one of the top law schools (isn’t it #1?) globally, there is not a single shadow of a doubt in my mind that you are going to become one hell of a lawyer someday.

If I were any of your classmates or future colleagues, I would be intimidated out of my mind. You’re going to be a formidable force in the courtroom and brilliant at whatever you choose to do. I am so so happy and so so proud of how far you’ve come, and I can’t wait to see all the wonderful things life must have in stock for you.

But all of that being said, it’s still bittersweet, personally, sort of a slap in the face to how things really are.

I’m sure that this is karma for neglecting you and that this should be the moment of truth where I realise our paths will never cross again. It makes me sad. It makes me very, very sad because you will likely remain one of my favorite people I will have ever gotten the privilege to know.

I’m so sorry for being a terrible friend and for squandering the opportunity that the world had given me. You really are as special as I thought you were. I was right about that.

And it seems like even though we’ll probably never see each other again, you’ll still continue to teach me lessons for the rest of my life.

You taught me how to be a good friend, you taught me how to wear my heart on my sleeve, and now you’re teaching me that I shouldn’t take people for granted and that I should always strive to keep in touch with those who have left an impression in my life.

You’re also teaching me that I should strive to believe the good that I see in others, instead of questioning the motives behind their decisions.

You are, through and through, a good person.

I remember you asking me all the time whether I had regrets, because you had several, and it seems like you’ve come a very, very long way from whoever you used to be. I am so proud of you for that, but God, I’m so freaking sad. You really were just someone who had temporarily lost his way. S was right. I was right, before I started believing you were bad. You’re a good person. I was wrong. I’m sorry.

I miss you so much. I’m so happy for you. I’m so sad I won’t ever get to see you again. I love you. I miss you.

I hope I’m wrong in that our paths do cross again. You’re one of the best people I have ever met. I’m always rooting for you, even if you don’t know it.

I love you. Take care. Be safe. Be good to yourself. Love life and love others. Do what you do best and be a positive influence in other people’s lives. You’re an amazing person. I will never stop cheering for you. I love you and I miss you and I wish there were more people in the world like you, angel.

I guess this is goodbye, in a way (though certainly not the last time I will be writing about you). I never anticipated that I would have to experience this particular brand of sadness that is associated with you all over again, yet here we are, four years later.

I know you don’t think of me, but you’re always in the back of my mind. I used to hate it, used to deny it and hate you for pervading my thoughts all the time, but I’ve come to accept it at this point. Hell, I even printed out that collage of our selfies you sent me during winter break and stuck it in my wallet!

Even if I end up getting married someday, I probably still won’t remove it even though it will probably be strange for my spouse that I continue to possess such an intimate memento of someone else. (I’m sorry, future spouse; you have no idea how huge of an impact this guy has left on me.) But I guess today marks the day that I stop hoping for our paths to cross again, because it seems so very highly unlikely anymore.

Today marks the day that I accept the reality of the situation, which is that it was always my fault and I can never stop blaming myself for what I did to you. Sure, I was not in my right state of mind, but that doesn’t serve as an excuse for the things that I said or didn’t say, the things that I did or failed to do.

Today marks the day that I realise my biggest regret, my biggest failure, was and will forever remain in rejecting your friendship. I guess in a sense, today marks the day I actually become an adult and accept full responsibility for my actions, instead of imagining and hoping and yearning for an alternate reality.

And if that’s the case, then maybe you’ll get to meet a different me, instead of the current or past me. Maybe that’s what I should have been working towards all along: letting my dreams of you wither and disappear to make room for self-accountability. After all, growth can’t take place in an area that’s already occupied.


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