Love Letters to Her

by D. (USA)


You are the only person I’ve ever connected with at “100”.

The scale starts at 0 (people you’ve never seen and are not aware of their existence), continues past 25 (which would be a brief interaction with a stranger), 50 (mild emotional connection experienced with a spouse or friend on an ordinary day), and goes up to 100.

A 60 would be chatting with a stranger for couple of minutes, 70 is a fun phone chat with a friend (although my first sexual intercourse was, if I can recall, about a 70, despite it obviously carrying enormous symbolic weight. My partner in that encounter was also my first kiss (ha! it’s true!!!, and the kiss was not the same night as the intercourse, if I can recall correctly), but both experiences are fuzzy in my mind.

I’m shocked that they were so unmemorable. They shouldn’t be. But they were, because this person was just an empty vessel, literally, for me.

No personality or independent thoughts that she ever shared with me, as I can recall. Devoid of anything. Just a robot with robotic ice-blue eyes. But she was very pretty. So I bought some very snappy clothes, very snappy shoes, gelled my hair just so, put on some Aramis cologne, and sweet-talked her at the Beta Tau party into my room upstairs. But I digress).

80 is mutually confiding with a close friend, 90 is really hot sex or talking with someone you love with about the deepest questions of life. Telling someone for the first time that you love them, truly, and receiving the identical sentiment in return, can be a 95.

Mutually climax for the first time with both of you announcing the imminence of your rapture while gazing deeply into each other’s eyes and then each of you saying “I love you” for the first time – that’s a 98. Trust me, I’ve been there once (and, I would expect, not many people have been there at all, although there may be other experiences that also qualify as a 98).

A 100, though. That is rare.

I hope one in a 1000 people get a “100 experience” in their lives, but I doubt it is even that high. What I am sure of is, we get one “100 experience” maximum in our lives.

I’ve been blessed with many 95 moments, and even that one 98 experience of connection. But it was not till I was somewhat into my early 50s that I had my first and only 100.

A 100 means all barriers between yourself and the other person are gone. There is no longer any membrane between the two of you. The one person’s inner soul merges and mingles in ecstasy with the other’s, for a timeless moment of infinite joy and wonder and delight that is the greatest feeling that any human can possibly experience.

In real-world time, it lasted 5 seconds, but the experience is seared on my soul forever.

Of course it is: those 5 seconds are the most exalted and liberating moments of my life. And, M, I know they are for you too – I know this because it was so obvious at the time, you were telling with me your eyes that you were having the same religious experience I was.

Time stopped for both of us. We felt each other in the deepest marrows of our bones.

A lifetime’s worth of passionate love concentrated into 5 seconds, a fusion-powered rocket ship of lust and desire, deeper even than the deepest of French kissing.

The totally spontaneous aspect of it being equally miraculous, neither of us having planned it or remotely expecting it. It happening in the most mundane of settings imaginable (the cafeteria of our office building at lunchtime, hungry people jostling around us, fluorescent lighting, the aroma of chicken soup).

And yet we both know it to be true: during those 5 seconds we merged. The experience of a lifetime.

M, I cannot openly tell you this, because you are married. But one day, if that ever changes, I will.


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